Jeff Foxworthy has it all wrong!  Why does he ask people if they are smarter than a sixth grader? Of course I’m smarter than a sixth grader! I was valedictorian of my high school graduating class, I matriculated from UCLA and I earned a masters degree.  There is no doubt that I am smarter than a sixth grader.  The real question, however, should be ‘Am I smarter than my TV?’ 

Berta comes to us weekly on Thursdays.  She scrubs, cleans, vacuums and polishes every surface in our house until they sparkle.  Not one dust mite escapes the numerous attacks of Endust, Pledge, Clorox, Pine-Sol or Comet. Mold, mildew and musty messes don’t stand a chance against Berta and her well-armed soldiers camouflaged as ordinary household cleaning supplies.  Every desktop item is routinely removed to accommodate the swift and thorough swiping of a dust rag.  Area rugs are rolled tightly to allow the vacuum to seek and destroy any stray pet hair or dust bunny that hides beneath their cover.  Books neatly standing on shelves are grazed by the rapid sweep of a dust-seeking Swiffer.  And, without warning, electronic boxes that communicate with the TV in the family room or printer in my office, become collateral damage as the same Swiffer wand brushes up, under, behind and over them unwittingly dislocating their connective cables. 

“Berta must have dislodged the cables again,” said my husband as he clicked on the TV remote, “the TV’s not working.”  In his attempt to set things right, he only made things worse.  He unplugged all the cables and inserted them back into the slots . . . The WRONG slots.  We had sound, all right, but even when the TV was turned off, the sound wasn’t! It was a disaster!

“O.K.,” I said, “what have you done?  We get network TV channels but AppleTV, Paramount+, Netflix and Amazon don’t work!  And what about the sound?  It won’t turn off!”  

Because the disaster occurred late in the week, a technician was unable to service our S.O.S. until early the following week on Monday.  Our entire weekend of television was limited to network offerings in which we had no interest.  

Monday morning couldn’t arrive fast enough.  As long as a technician was coming, I compiled a list of other problems I was having with electronic devices, namely a second Smart TV upstairs and the SmartTank printer connected . . . Or NOT . . . to my Apple computer . . . Sort of a three-birds-one-stone kind of thing.  While he was here on the housecall, he was my hostage!  (The irony is not lost on me that all of this equipment is called “Smart” something: Smart TV, SmartTank printer.  I fail to fully appreciate their intelligence).

Gus solved the problem in the family room within five minutes.  

“What did you do?”  I asked.

”Oh,” he said nonchalantly, “I just plugged everything back into the right spots.  Was there something else you’d like me to check?” 

I led Gus and his assistant, Roy, into my office and explained the issue I had with the SmartTank printer.  

“I shouldn’t have to unplug it and plug it back in every time I want to print something,” I explained.  “It takes itself off line and doesn’t know how to put itself back ON line!  So much for it being smart!”  

Gus unplugged the printer, then plugged it back in. (“Been there, done that, Buddy!” I thought to myself, “but go ahead . . . Give it your best shot!”)  

When that didn’t work, Gus accessed the Menu within the Systems Setting area and worked a little magic.  All the while, I watched and wondered if the average consumer should know how to do what he was doing, so I asked. 

“No, ma’am,” he said, relieving me of some of my feelings of foolishness, “I have access to codes.” 

Codes, I wondered.  CODES?  What ARE such codes and why don’t I have them?  Why aren’t they listed in the owner’s manual (that is now only accessible online on a SmartComputer after scanning a QR icon somewhere).  

Minutes later, SmartTank spit out a printed summary of Gus’s reprogramming and resetting.

”See here?” Gus said, pointing to a section of the readout, “THIS is where the trouble was!  I just input a reset code and she looks good now.  You shouldn’t have any more trouble!” 

That’s what YOU think, I thought to myself.  The minute you leave and I try to print something, SmartTank will jump off line again and because I don’t have ‘codes,’ I’ll be dead in the water!  Who knew that it was necessary to learn a whole new language to interact with Smart electronics? 

Onto the upstairs SmartTV.  

“O.K., Gus,” I started, trying to disguise as much sarcasm as I could, “here’s your real challenge for the day!  Can you tell me WHY I need THREE different remote controls to operate this television?”  I was certain that this TV would baffle him, so I sat and watched him work.  Gus pressed buttons on one remote, then the second one (to get the sound), then the third one (to set the sleep timer).  He accessed Samsung on his phone to get some ‘codes,” but nothing worked.  Poor Roy was sent out to the truck to retrieve different HDMI and other various cables, but even those proved unsuccessful.  Finally Dr. Gus conveyed his diagnosis. 

“We don’t usually like to suggest this to our clients,” he began, “but you have legacy equipment with your sound bar and your cable box.  Neither of them talk to the SmartTV, so . . . you can either continue to with the system you have or you can upgrade to a more current setup!  And, I don’t know if you’re bundled or not, so . . . That’s something to be concerned with too!”  

Bundled?  It’s the middle of summer!  I am NOT bundled!!  All of my coats and jackets are in the closet.  It dawned on me that Gus’s meaning of bundled and mine weren’t the same but I was reticent to comment.  And what’s WITH these SmartTVs?  How do they decide to whom or to what they’ll talk to?  And LEGACY equipment?  It’s not that old!!  If our equipment is legacy, what does that make me . . . fossilized?

“Let me tell my husband everything we’ve discussed and he can decide whether or not we should upgrade!” 

When in doubt, shoot from the hip!  There is no way I am prepared to admit to Gus or to anyone else that I am NOT smarter than my TV!