What Do They Even Mean?

Acronyms. Nowadays they’re everywhere, but it wasn’t always this way. They’ve filtered in slowly, undetected, under the radar. Organized and committed, scouts deployed and embedded into unsuspecting communities. They’ve played the long game and have now become part of our culture. They have succeeded in overtaking the lifestyle and even the language of this great country’s citizens.

Pilot acronyms were launched and they permeated into target areas, testing for sustained viability. Lone Wolf, RSVP, parachuted in and nested firmly in place. Polite society readily enlisted this acronym, engraving the letters onto expensive invitations to extravagant high profile galas, weddings, benefits and other exclusive events. BYOB and FYI landed shortly after, assimilating rapidly all in accordance with the overall mission.

It didn’t take too long for the Acronym Army to launch operatives into various other integral organizations. The U.S.Government absorbed whole stockpiles of letters to refer to its numerous agencies. FBI, CIA, DOD, HUD, IRS, DOJ and hundreds more alphabet combinations renamed countless departments and remain fully operational.

The military, too, accepted the incursion of acronyms. SCUBA, MEU, OTS, TBS, MAWTS, JAG, ASVAB, MEPS, OPSEC, CO, NCO and an entire language of capital letter shorthand words are now part of the official vernacular. In fact, acronyms have assumed total functional control over the entire military machine. They are winning an unnamed war.

Acronyms infiltrated the sports world with high speed and low drag. The National Football League, the National Baseball Association and the National Hockey League are now referred to as the NFL, NBA and NHL. Likewise, the Professional Golf Association, PGA, has adopted a title acronym. Even within the sports themselves, acronyms have crept into common usage.

”USA,” says a golfer, urging his playing partner to continue putting. “You’re Still Away!”

“Oh no!” assesses another as a mishit shot lands better than expected, “that’s a UBE . . . Ugly But Effective!”

The Acronym Army’s efforts are not confined to the United States. Not at all! They have expanded into all countries in their attempt at world dominance. One notable problem with foreign acronyms is in their decoding.

While teaching international high school students at a Catholic school, I found it common for student work product to bear the acronym JMJ (a short reverant prayer meaning ‘Jesus, Mary, Joseph’) at the top of each page. Understandably, when a student from Mexico submitted her papers with CTM atop her pages, I took it to have a similar meaning, but in Spanish.

“We need to speak to you,” said a spokesperson for a group of Mexican students after class. “Why do you allow Angela to write CTM at the top of her papers? Why aren’t you angry?”

“Why SHOULD I be angry,” I replied, “it’s just a prayer!”

The students looked at each other, wide-eyed and bewildered.

“No, it is NOT a prayer,” they said, “it’s meaning is terrible!”

“Well,” I said, “the American students write JMJ at the tops of their papers and that means ‘Jesus, Mary, Joseph,’ so I just assumed that CTM is a similar honorific.”

“NO!” they gasped in unison, “is NOT an honorific! It means something horrible and unforgivable that someone does to a mother!”

I realized immediately what had been lost in my ignorance. The following day, I held Angela after class.

Handing her a graded paper with CTM circled in red with a large question mark, I began sternly, “Um . . . care to explain?”

“Oh, Mrs. West!” Angela sobbed as she melted into a desk before my eyes, “I HATE it here and I just want to go home!”

We talked for a while and ultimately laughed at her inappropriate rebellion and my unwitting ignorance. At the end of our conversation, we mutually concluded that swearing acronyms were definitely not the best way to channel frustration.

Acronyms, firmly established and firmly fixed in place, have expanded their efforts. A siege of them has launched an aggressive offensive on the entire world population. The attack has been so coy, so cunning, so calculated that the success of the mission was guaranteed with the initial acronym bomb. LOL is the texting counterpart to the initial Little Boy attack on Hiroshima. First-time texters soon learned to convey tone and levity with its use.

More acronyms soon proliferated like a mushroom cloud onto the internet. They are as plentiful as snowflakes in a blizzard. Many computer users, however, are not fluent or comfortable with them. Americans, unwitting hostages of the Acronym Army, find themselves surrounded by operatives they don’t recognize, understand or appreciate. They are forced to adopt a new way of life and language in order to communicate effectively . And in the meantime, before we prisoners are conversant in the new Acronym culture, mass confusion prevails.

What does this even mean? I asked myself, trying to decipher a new unread message on my phone.

I’d texted a friend, asking if she’d like to meet for lunch. Her response was unintelligible.

”Can’t decide on OOTD! Working on it! ISTG NGL. SYL. LOL!”

WHAT? What do I do now? I wondered, Are we meeting or not? What a ridiculous non-answer answer!

While I stewed about the text, I checked my emails. Maybe she’d sent me something more clear and concise. Nope. Nothing from her. Just a bunch of sales solicitations that were destined for the Trash Bin icon. BOGO topped each e-flier in a banner.

“60% off PLUS BOGO if purchased before End of Summer Sale!”

O.K., I thought with satisfaction, I KNOW that BOGO stands for “buy one, get one.”

Another ad enticed prospective buyers with an acronym everyone is supposed to know.

“Limited Stock! Order now! FCFS!”

And still another.

”15 shoppers looking at this right now! Buy now before it’s too late! BNWOT while supplies LTD!”

Obviously, supplies were limited. Anyone would know how to translate LTD. But BNWOT remained a mystery. And as for the meaning of FCFS? I had no idea.

Still not sure if I should meet my friend for lunch, I texted her again.

“Got your message. Are we still meeting today?”

She responded immediately.

”WTF! Can’t you read? LMAO! BTW you’re too funny!”

At a complete loss, I mentally sparred with her.

Of COURSE I can read! But obviously YOU CAN’T WRITE OR SPELL! I have NO IDEA what you said!

At that point, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to meet her for lunch! Was THIS part of the objective of the Acronym Army? Cause mass confusion, hysteria and conflict? Ruin relationships? I was beginning to think so!

Knowing that I was losing a battle, I called in some reinforcements . . . a young professional woman!

I snapped a screenshot of the indecipherable texts I had exchanged with my friend and sent it to young, twenty-seven-year-old Hailey.

“Could you help me with this?” I pleaded.

I waited anxiously as bubbles on my screen indicated that she was responding. Finally my questions had been answered about lunch. I WAS going to meet my friend!

”Sure!” came the response, “Your friend said: Can’t decide on the Outfit Of The Day! Working on it! I Swear to God! Not Gonna Lie! See you later! Laugh out Loud!”

Laugh out loud? I thought, Laugh out LOUD? I thought LOL meant ‘Love you Lots!’

And, come to find out, her second response said, “What the F*? Can’t you read? Laughing my A* off! By the way, you’re too funny!”

Thank goodness for young people! They’ve broken the code and have been commissioned as Intelligence Officers for the Allies.

My next assignment as a new recruit in the war with the Acronym Army is to enlist the expertise of these IOs and ask them to decode a whole list of acronyms for me. For starters, I have:

SMH

FOMO

IYKYK

OFC

TLDR

ETA

HMU

LFG

ATP

OTP

ISTG

NGL

PDA

STG

TBH

UWU

YOLO

IIRC