As as excited as I am about being whisked away on a “mystery trip” later this week, experience has taught me that I must be prepared.  Because I am, shall we say, overly organized and methodical, packing for a vacation is more than a 30-minute exercise of throwing clothes into a suitcase.  Oh yes.  I plan for days, if not weeks, for any and every possible item that I might need during my time away from home.  I make lists.  I make a list for what I have, for what I need, for what I want, for what I might want and sometimes I make a list for things that I should take “just in case.”   Throughout the years, three items have made their way from the “Just In Case” list to the “Definitely Don’t Leave Home Without It” list.

The first time I should have recognized the importance of these three things was on a trip to the Pacific Northwest when my younger son, now thirty-one, was twelve years old.  My husband decided that this 5-day getaway would be the perfect time for him to jump-start one of his periodic attempts to quit smoking.  Oh, it’s not that I don’t support his desire to quit!  That’s not it at all!  However, using vacations . . . times that are meant for relaxation, rejuvenation and recreation, to commit to arduous, habit-breaking, decades- long habits sucks the fun right out of every. single. minute.

After retrieving our luggage from baggage claim, wending our way through the line at the car rental desk, and navigating through the unfamiliar roads toward our hotel, Carl’s agitation grew.  He hadn’t smoked his pipe for almost seven hours.  His valiant attempts to suppress the growing cravings proved no match for his nicotine nemesis.  We HAD to find a smoke shop somewhere.  But where?  Here we were, in the dead of night, on a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere!  No matter how many times he patted his pockets, checking for a pipe, he still found them empty.  I thought that chewing gum would perhaps alleviate his discomfort, but I had given the last piece to my son on the airplane to pop his ears!

Continuing to drive along through the night, lights eventually glimmered in the distance, marking a gas station!  Hallelujah!  We’re SAVED!!  Carl’s foot rested more heavily on the accelerator and before we knew it, we’d arrived at a Sunoco Filling Station complete with a mini-mart.  I jumped out of the passenger side door and began filling the tank while Carl frantically ran inside in search of something to smoke.  The Bloodhound sleeping on the stoop did a double-take at Carl, recognizing that the crazed man rushing into the station just a few minutes before bore absolutely no resemblance to the calm, peaceful one returning to the car, puffing on a bright yellow corncob pipe holding a Bic lighter!  He looked a lot like Grandpa McCoy!

“Well,” said Carl in between deep, lung-filling puffs, “it’s not the kind of pipe I’m used to smoking, I guess but it’ll have to do!”

So . . . Note to Self:  Next time we take a trip, insist that Carl NOT decide to quit smoking.  

Subsequent trips presented much the same dramas.  One of the most noteworthy happened not too long ago when we flew to Hawaii over the Christmas holidays.  Rather than recount the incident in a lengthy narrative, I have chosen to reprint my journal entry for that day.  It was after this Hawaiian adventure that I have begun making my travel list for all necessary items and checking it twice!

Enjoy!

Christmas in Hawaii 2012 — Day 2

Every time we go somewhere, Carl intentionally leaves his pipe and pipe tobacco behind, resolved NOT to smoke for those days; and also every time we go somewhere, we find ourselves searching for a smoke shop so he can purchase a pipe and some tobacco. So too began Day 2 of Christmas in Hawaii 2012!! This time, however, we were also in desperate search of a hairdryer for me!! The “let your hair dry in the wind” method accomplished nothing other than possibly making me #1 choice on a casting call for the ugliest monster in the next Steven Spielberg sci-fi fantasy thriller!!

Carl researched for a smoke shop on GoogleMaps and off we went in search of Holy Smokes. We did find it, but being that we arrived prior to 9:00 a.m., the wrought iron gates and padlocks were still drawn across the store front.

Judging from the paint combination, the dread-locked Rasta man graphic on the window and the neon signs advertising “pipes, zigzag & detox,” I suspected that an entirely different kind of smoke shop lie behind the doors.

After a quick stop at Walgreens for a high-intensity Revlon ion hairdryer, we swung back to Holy Smokes where two “people” (term loosely referring to the beings working on unlocking the myriad barricades).  In walked Mr. & Mrs. Conservative–me in pinstriped seersucker golf shorts with golf greens and flags scattered all over them and Carl in his Reyn-Spooner Hawaiian shirt and Docker shorts!  (Imagine me being almost overcome by the heavy scent of incense wafting through the air in a feeble attempt to mask the heavy odor of pot). Carl asked if he could see some pipes. The female looked toward a back room and gestured us in that direction without uttering a sound.

The room was a huge cavern, filled with a treasure trove of every type if hooka, bong and water pipe imaginable!!! I could hardly contain my laughter!!! The hilarity of the situation was astounding!!!!

Carl DID ask if they carried wooden pipes for tobacco and was politely told that they specialized in glass but if we left their shop and travelled to another village about 1/2 hr away, he was SURE we could find what we were looking for!!! I’m SURE they thought we were under cover DEA, but hadn’t researched our “cover” very well!!! They couldn’t get rid of us fast enough!!!

I’m sure this description pales in comparison to how everything really unfolded, but …. It’s had me in fits of laughter ALL DAY LONG!!!

I told my daughter-in-law about it and she said she looked on line for smoke shops to buy cigars for Greg and she went to the Holy Smokes site. Immediately a warning flashed on her computer screen saying, “If you are connected with the military in any capacity, IMMEDIATELY exit from this site!!”

Aloha!!!!

Day 3 Recap

The wisdom of age-old advice should NEVER be discounted!!! “You get what you pay for!” is among the sagest quips and should be forever in the front of your minds–especially when in desperate need of something!!! Exhibit A: The $12 pipe that Carl purchased yesterday from Discount Tobacco–lasted perhaps through 1 1/2 smokes before cracking and getting so hot that it burned his lips, tongue and hand!!! So—guess where that put us this morning????? Right back in search of a wooden pipe; however, now the quest was for a “quality” wooden pipe!!!  (I really entertained the idea of heading back to Holy Smokes, purchasing a glass water pipe AND the stuff that goes in it, to take the edge off of Carl — and ME, at this point!!!)

Carl had never been to Pearl Harbor and wanted to visit the memorial, etc.  I know that he likes to get an early start in the mornings, but when on vacation, I thought our pace would be a little more relaxed. NO!! I faintly heard reveille bugled in the distance and heard the singsong cadence of platoons in their early morning PT, but didn’t realize that THAT was my call to muster too!!!  I rushed to dress, skipped coffee and yogurt, jumped in the car and fastened my seatbelt for yet another day of Adventures with Carl.

Upon arrival in the parking lot of the Pearl Harbor Visitor’s Center, an unmarked Toyota Forerunner police unit stopped right behind our rented Jeep.

“Good morning, Officer!” greeted Carl, “What a beeeeautifil day, isn’t it?!”

“Uh, sir,” began Officer Hawaii Five-O, “I’ve been following you for the last 5 miles–you were travelling at the speed of 55 mph. Were you aware of that, sir?”

“Really??! Was that YOU behind me -for all that time? Well I’ll be damned!! I didn’t realize you were a cop–I would have pulled over!” said Carl.

(Oh boy!!! NOW he was going to know how I felt when Officer A@#hole ticketed me near Pauma Reservation Road!!)

“Well,” began Officer Hawaii Five-O, “I figured you were from out of town and didn’t realize you were in a 35-zone, so …just be careful, sir, and have a nice day!! Mahalo” and away he went!!!!!

(WHAT THE #@!!!!???) uh–will someone explain what just happened??!!  Why is it that I always get the ticket and Carl is told to ‘have a nice day?’

Into Pearl Harbor Memorial–WAY ahead of any tour busses–just like Carl wanted, we got a ticket for the10:30 boat out to the USS Arizona. We wandered around for a while (with over 1 hr. to kill), but then Carl did a 180 and said he’d had enough. We got back in the car and headed toward Honolulu. I needed to do a little Christmas shopping for last-minute trinkets, but Carl’s need for nicotine trumped me and my plans. He plugged “tobacco shops near Honolulu” into GoogleMaps and, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, we began reliving yesterday’s quest for the Holy Grail!!

GoogleMaps Lady directed us to Tobaccos of Hawaii, a small, independently-owned shop in a REALLY seedy part of Honolulu, just on the perimeter of Chinatown, sandwiched among other establishments like a girly strip club called Moulin Rouge,” a pawn shop and a massage parlor.  Carl parked in the reserved customer parking area in the alley behind the shops. Of course alleys are full of dumpsters and other containers, so the over-stuffed Hefty brand trash bags did not seem out of place –that is UNTIL one of them coughed and kersnuffled, spraying green, bilious phlegm toward me and my FitFlops!!!

I hurried into the tobacco shop, praying to God, Buddha, Allah and anyone else, that we would find the elusive but coveted Wooden Pipe!!

When the proprietor and the two other customers in the shop got a look at Carl and his uncanny resemblance to Santa Claus, they started ticking off the various items on their Wish Lists!!!  (Good Lord, deliver me!!)

One already-stoned-out-of-his-mind “gentleman” asked Carl for a Lamborghini, a high-rise apartment building and one of the Kardashians!!! I told him he’d better think twice about a Kardashian because they were such high maintenance. He said, “Ya man!! That’s probably right—and I’ve already had a lot of “kardashian” today!!!” (Uh—at least he was right about THAT!!!)

The Holy Grail selected and purchased, Carl & I headed back to the car. I was ready to clobber any Hefty trash bag that moved or made even the slightest noise!!! Safely inside our vehicle, Carl queried, “huh—look at that–a massage parlor, a pawn shop and a strip club! Why d’ya think tobacco shops have such seedy neighbors?!”

(I let the question just hang in the air!!!!) I just replied, “Fill that thing with tobacco, light it up, inhale a few times, suck up whatever nicotine you need and let’s get OUTTA here!!!”

Carl, calm as a well-fed puppy, was amenable to anything: even a MALL!!! We finished our Christmas shopping then drove back to Kailua and had lunch & well-deserved mai tais!!!

Lesson Learned:  Pack a wooden pipe, numerous pouches of Captain Black tobacco and a lighter before you pack anything else!  Don’t Leave Home Without Them!!!